My name is Benji. I’m a trans, native, autistic and disabled 17 year old. I’ve been living as a boy for about two years now, and I’ve been on testosterone for a year. I started having conflicted feelings about gender when I was 12 years old. I never quite understood gender as a kid- I was always just me. I started developing gender dysphoria around the beginning of puberty when I started growing breasts and the adults in my life started commenting on how I was “Growing into a woman”. This was all confusing to me, until a classmate of mine came out as Transgender. They were very open about it, and I followed their steps- until I realized the people in my life weren’t supportive of me. I remember standing out on the porch listening to my family members talk about when this “Phase” would end. From there I convinced myself that I was wrong, and pushed my gender dysphoria deep down for three years. I kept quiet, played my role as one of the girls, and tried my best to fit in.
This finally changed when I was 15, when I started at Lewiston High School. I had been going to a small rural school and the transition to a larger city school was difficult, but the best part was the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) after school club. Every Wednesday I went to GSA and met other queer people, and I began to open up again. I slowly experimented with several sets of pronouns and names, and my friends simply accepted it. It came so naturally with them, and overtime I knew I was finally living my truth.
One day, my English teacher encouraged us to protest against the school’s attempt at banning books. Several books on the list were queer, and I felt outraged. My aunt was giving me a ride home that day, and I told her about it. She told me that she didn’t want gay books in school because she “didn’t want her daughter to read sexual content”. In that car I spilled about being trans, my new name, and how I’d felt. I broke down when she reacted badly and when I got home I told my mom about it. She was upset and though she confronted my aunt about it, my aunt continued to be hateful. She thought I was just mentally ill.
Soon afterwards we decided moving was the best option, and I was hesitant because I had finally built a friend group and a life. But in the end I made the choice to try. We moved here to Fairbanks on November 16th 2023, and I struggled for months. I had lost my home, my family, my friends, everything. I made an attempt to end my life on February 9th 2024, and I spent three weeks in the mental hospital in Anchorage.
Since then, my life has changed for the better. I made friends, started testosterone, created queer youth communities, worked on my mental and physical health, and took steps towards my future. The biggest piece of my transition from now on is my top surgery, which will alleviate the dysphoria I still struggle with.
I’m on the waiting list for top surgery in 2026, which will take place in Seattle. There are many things that will go into this procedure. Including the surgery itself, travel costs, stuff for aftercare, medical supplies, comfort items, and time off work. Some of it will be covered by insurance, but not everything. It’s just me and my mom, and with the rights to gender affirming care being threatened it’s best to make sure we’re set. I’m so privileged that I have access to testosterone, a supportive parent, and the opportunity to get top surgery. So if you are in a place to donate, please consider helping me reach my goals. I’ll be raising money here on fundraiser, as well as on Cashapp. So send money to $benjiqholloway if you want to donate there. Thank you, and have a great day. <3
